Beautiful--A Shocking Word.

James. He's my best friend, though he lives in Arizona. He trusts me with the world, I trust him with that and more. He's my go-to guy with anything. But there is always the question, why? I've never met this guy face to face, never talked to him anywhere besides through the phone.

The reason is, James was the first to call me beautiful. Not hot, sexy, or any of those other words guys use. (Believe me, I'm not called those either) But beautiful. He said it with meaning, and he said it with clarity. It stunned me. Every time someone uses that word, I get a chill up my spine. I think "Me? Beautiful? Me?" And I denied it before thanking him. I just didn't believe it. Reason number 1, my parents have never used that word.

Nice. To them, I've always looked "nice." But other times what I'm wearing is "unattractive," "not very pretty," so on and so on... That killed me. Every time those words came out of their mouths it killed me. I learned to accept the fact I wasn't beautiful enough to impress them. I stopped trying.

But then, more and more people this week have been using that word to describe me. Even my parents have used it! Random people. People I barely know! What do they see in me that I don't? What features do they see that put me in this classification?

I guess only they know and God knows. He'll slowly show me what they see. I just have to shut up and listen.

The Mysteriousness of Love

Love.

We as humans use this word so much, and yes, I find myself guilty of this. "I LOVE rock music!" "I LOVE Jason Dunn!" (OK, this one is possibly true....) But you do get my point. Love. We say "I love you" to our high school boyfriends/girlfriends if we are lucky enough to have them. But do we mean it? Do you really mean you love me if you break my heart in two seconds? I'm not so sure....

But at this age, I can't comprehend love quite clearly yet. It's hard, and it feels frusturating at times. When am I going to find that ONE? The one that the text message forwards always send out: That perfect guy that's going to find you if you send this to 25 people in 5 minutes. Let me tell you, I think I've got at least 4-6 perfect guys realizing they love me. And they are....where?

I'd always wondered what it felt like to be loved. I've got a wonderful life, probably the most possible. Except for one important element. My family by no doubt loved me, I just wasn't feeling it. Things I poured my heart into they just didn't seem to see how much I truly cared. It's almost as if they ignored me on purpose, I detested it. I withdrew, creating my own little circle, hoping they'd get the message. LOOK AT ME. I TRY TO DO EVERYTHING TO IMPRESS YOU. WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT ME?

*SONG BREAK!* Everything You Ever Wanted--Hawk Nelson :)

But I did find love.

Last night, my friends Chloe and Merissa came over. We started up a campfire (and even sang the campfire song. Not to mention the Spanish alphabet song!) After my parents left, we roasted more and more marshmallows, burned more and more marshmallows, and talked. We put everything out on the table. No secrets were kept, what we found was a strong bond, stronger than I'd ever seen us before. Suddenly, the stars seemed brighter, the world seemed at ease. I felt a love, an understanding. Something new to me.

Going to church the next morning helped even more. My school and church friends blended so well, there was no tension or drama. Together we hugged and sqeezed so many people in to one row of chairs. Together, my friend Mackenzie and I held hands, a few tears coming out of her eyes. Poor girl has been through so much, she's so strong. I admire her. Together, we woke my friend Allie up, who had repeatedley fallen fast asleep. Together we can worship, together we can share, together we are stronger than any one of us.

This is where I feel so much love. We laugh, we live, I hope we'll never break apart. Different schools, different lives, different locations, but so much love between us. I'll never forget my wonderful youth group.

But there is one love greater than this, I can hardly imagine it. And that is the love of Jesus Christ. I love the line "when Jesus died on the cross, he was thinking of you." Is that true? Was he really carrying that heavy wooden cross, while the people screamed at him, while they beat him, made him bleed, and finally killed him, did he really think "It's all worth it. This is for Bethany Marie. So she will be forgiven."? That amazes me, because even though it is not proven, I do believe it was true. I do believe Jesus loves me more than anyone else can. I do believe that Jesus is my perfect guy, and it doesn't matter how many people I send that to in a forward, because he's already realized it.

He's known it all along.

Love is such a mysterious thing. It builds us, it breaks us. But it can also cover us, keep us warm and safe. And that's the love Jesus has for me. This breaking, building, wonderful, unfathomable, great, powerful, amazing love that leaves me awestruck and mystified. There's not much more I can say but THANK YOU Jesus.

Thank you. I love you.

Confused...Lost...Angry...WRITER'S BLOCK.

Writing with Kevin was so easy for the longest time. At first, with the original Wake Up Sunshine, and even more so with Revolution Under This Skin. I just didn't understand it. It was almost, OK, a lot, easier than writing with Mikki. I find this odd because I relate to Mikki more. I'm a teenage girl. I know how we (well, most of us anyway) work. I know how we feel. I know how we react to things. Because I have the same mindset minus the forgetting absolutley every memory of every part of your 15 years. It all should be so simple, right? ERREP. (This was supposed to be a wrong answer bell.) Wrong. For some reason, it was so much easier through Kevin's perspective. I mean DRAMATICALLY easier. That seemed weird to me.

Now for some reason, I can't write through Kevin's perspective! I just DON'T GET IT. Writer's block is sooo frusterating. It makes me want to scream/pull every hair out of my head/throw ginormously large heavy object at walls. I never really understood why God created writer's block, or why it brings out the absolute worst in me (Seriously, I'd be in a better mood if I dissapointed my parents, which is huge to me, than getting writer's block) But I guess it's up to me to find that reason.

I just pray I can find my answers soon.

The Beauty of the Internet! Thanks Al Gore!

Ok, first off, I don't really think Al Gore made the internet. But whatever.

So my new friend Preston started texting me in Italian yesterday. Now Preston is Italian, (I think. Help me out here, Preston) and spoke it fluently. I love the sound of Italian, and would love to learn how to speak it. But, sadly, my school doesn't really offer Italian classes. So I turned to the next best thing.

Mi sono girato verso un traduttore italiano in linea. Così naturalmente non è perfetto, alcune cose possono essere errate qui e là, ma ancora ritengo abbastanza freddo perché osserva e suona abbastanza. E, come probabilmente avete indovinato, questa è una rottura da sveglia il sole pricipalmente perché sono perso ancora. Ma pozzo dell'OH. Mi domando quanta gente può realmente leggere questa ora.

Oh yeah!

I Still Got It :)

So remember that giant leap I was talking about in the last post?

Well, I took it.

I was busy talking to my ever so forgiving and patient and tolerant best friend James (By the way, thanks James!) about how torn I was. I LOVED the original Wake Up Sunshine's prologue, the entire concept of time enticed people. (Enticed...that's the right word, right?) It made people stop and think. But the new one had great parts too. Obviously I couldn't have both. But still, they were both so good.....

So I began to think. Reflections (new prologue) and time (old prologue). What has both? Then it hit me.

The attic.

So I began to write this rough first draft. Like I said, I wanted to keep y'all posted so this is where I'm posting it.

Remember, all work is Copyright by Bethany Marie. Please do not steal!

Of all the rooms in the house, nothing is like the attic. A still portrait of boxes and bundles of inanimate objects, illuminated with only the sunlight that peeks in through one window. The dark shadows hide such deep remainders of what used to be. The attic is so still, yet so full of life because of the stories each forgotten fossil tells. The attic is a beautiful room embraced in memories, it’s like a secret portal to the world you once knew. The attic is such a special place, because it’s filled with things I thought no longer existed, but of course they still do. They’re just hiding in that secret place up in the attic.

I take trips to the attic occasionally. They refresh those memories, so I don’t forget the past more than I already have. Today, my bare feet walked up the wooden steps, unsure of what they were doing. Whenever I first came in to this place, I felt like an outsider, an intruder. This wasn’t my attic. But it was. But it didn’t feel like it was. Always, I argued with myself, almost sending myself back downstairs. But the attic was so quiet, so intriguing yet so inviting, that it called me back in every time. Each time, I found myself going in faster and faster, skipping half the arguments. Each time something new catches my eye.

Until I found them.

There they lay before me, images frozen in time. Their surface is slightly wrinkled from years of storage, hidden from the world. The moments would last forever. but they are still so lovely, breathtaking, so distant to me. Even Sharpie can’t cover up what happened the minute someone screamed “Say cheese!” Forever they were encased in time, these four beautiful smiling faces. Each of them is filled with so much love, each of them so wonderfully happy.

Did I honestly know that? No. it was a mere guess. I didn’t know these people. Well, I used to. That was before everything happened. Returning the photograph, I found a small corner in the attic. Slowly sliding down the wall, I brought my knees to my chest and began to shuffle through the memories I did have. There wasn’t much, but they were full of depth. So much happiness, drama, highs, lows, it seemed to never end. Why did it have to be this way?

I knew the answer to my question as soon as it popped into my mind. It was simple. My life was supposed to be this screwed up. Ever since that first accident, my life has never been normal.

And to think it all started just seven years ago…

A New Road Lies Ahead....

I'm not exactly sure how to post this. After almost six or seven months of work, after all the tears and all the excitement and all the crazy drama I've created, I'm not sure how to word this so you will understand. So I'm just going to tell you what happened, and you can go from there.

About a week ago in church, we had communion. Above our pulpit in our sanctuary is this beautiful illuminated cross. As I looked at its lovliness, I said a silent prayer.

God. I don't want to waste my time with running for things in this world. YOU are what I want, YOU are what I need. I need YOU and I want YOU. Ask me to give up Wake Up Sunshine, I'd do it. Because YOU are what matters most.

Well today, I got to my study hall table, and had some bad writer's block. I asked God to help me, give me an idea as to what happens next. What I heard was:

Close your book, Bethany. This is not what I want. This is no good. Throw it out, keep your characters. But I want a new plot.

What? Was he serious? For five minutes I sat there, my arms folded and staring numbly at my open page. God, do you really want me to do this? I need conformation. I need something to tell me you're sure. I want a sign.

Usually, when I ask for a sign, I take my Bible and let it open to the page God wants it to, and he directs my eyes to the right verse. Today I only had my adgenda book. At the beginning of each month there's these little parables or stories to live by. Such as keep principles, synergy, do your work, stuff like that. Today, he opened me to a page, and directed my eyes to three simple, yet terrifying words.

CREATE SOMETHING NEW.

So, I plan on doing just that. Right now, I'm terrified, lost and scared. I've got my plot, I just need to take that first giant leap. I hope to keep you posted about everything. Wake Up Sunshine is not ending, just going under serious reconstruction. If you go to school, if I'm not upbeat and sunshine-y, know I'm not sad, I'm scared. I'm worried, and I need you all. Thank you to all my amazing readers and friends for their insane tolerance and support. I love you! I'm hoping you'll like the new Wake Up Sunshine soon, I'll try and get it on to webook ASAP.

Love,

Bethany.