OH THE THINKS YOU CAN THINK!

I've recently been given the wonderful experience to participate in my school's musical. Or rather... Seussical. Yes, the glorious wonderful musical all set to Dr. Seuss's books. It's a blast! The people involved are so much fun and the characters have developed beautifully. I'm so glad to be a part of this awesome production.

I realized this today as the recent conversations between me and my wonderful boyfriend Andy were popping into my head.

Me: *Singing a Seussical song*
Andy: Is that Seussical again?
Me: Yeah.
Andy: No, Beffy. Seriously. I love to hear you sing, but I can't stand any more Seussical. It's not you, I just can't hear about it anymore.

So I stop. And I have stopped. I've studied my songs and notes when he's not here (which, if you'll read my last post, you'll realize I've had loads of study time this week.) And I've switched to having them stuck in my head and keeping quiet when he's around. I've also been requested to stop quoting Seussical, and all books made by the author of which I am surely jealous, Seuss. I stop because I love him, and I make excuses and reasons that I should stop.

But enough is enough.

I've spent most of my life trying to find my niche in this world. My sister found it easily, beginning gymnastics at age five and joining the acrobatics team short after. I on the other hand did a variety of things as I tried to fit in somewhere...anywhere. I tried cheerleading, gymnastics, I did dance and soccer and cheerleading and gymnastics again. I did drama camp and many many others. Finally in seventh grade I found a place to belong. When I started Power of The Pen, a competitive writing league, I for once found somewhere I wasn't the oddball, the one who tried her hardest only to be the worst on the team. I was the strongest link. I was the only seventh grader to travel to the regional meet. The next year I was even better, grabbing a first place and two best of round's in ONE meet. I made it all the way to the state level, where I failed miserably. But hey, I was only one of two to make it that year. I began to see myself as a writer, hence this blog. I loved to write.

But Power of the Pen was only available for middle school students. It was taken from me this year, seeing as I am now a freshman. I needed to find a new niche, and while the musical was a scary thing, I wanted to do it.

Side note, I've never been classified as that great of a singer. My family is overly critical of me and I've caught them laughing as I prepare for an audition. I was asked by a professional to take voice lessons with her, she said I was very good. But that still scared me... I didn't want to fail.

I ended up taking the leap of faith, with much prayer and much fear. I ended up getting a minor role, but I was so proud of myself. I could do this, I would do this. This musical isn't just a fun thing to do, it's not just a production, it's not a hobby. To me it's a symbol, a sign I should believe in myself and in God. To me it's showing me I have multiple places I fit. I've found my niche. If Andy can talk about the things he loves and how special they are to him, then so can I. I will not shut up about these things. This is my symbol, and these are my friends in this production.

Thanks for reading. I needed to vent.

By the way, Dr. Seuss invented the word "nerd"! I think that's amazing! (Don't believe me? Check out If I Ran The Zoo!)

Reuniting Will Feel So Good...

This week is going to be hard.

It's a loooonnng week, filled with student council stuff, musical practice, and church for me. And for Andy, it's a loooonnng week filled with Quick Recall, Quick Recall, and Quick Recall. It stinks because we really can't see eachother at all this week, I don't like being apart from him. I'm so used to him being here at the house or me being at his house that when we're apart it's uncomfortable. (I know, I know... but I can't help it.) I don't like a day apart from him, how do I last a week? The answer: Somehow, some way.

But it really scares me when I think about what's going to happen in a year and a half from now. Andy graduates and heads to college, leaving little Beffy behind. What am I going to do when I can't see him for months? I'm terrified out of my mind that he's going to find some hot chick and forget me with everything that comes with college. His degree isn't normal-- It's 6-8 years. HOW THE HECK AM I GONNA DO THAT!?!? Sorry... frusturation.

I do trust Andy- I really do. I would trust him with my life. But there's always that doubt there. That fear really messes with me. It makes me clench my hands and break down, I hold on to him a little tighter knowing that seperation comes closer every day. It kills me I'm this pathetic, but I can't help it. Of course there's letters, email, Facebook, and this blog. But I can't see him face to face. And it's just not the same without that.

The only thing I CAN control is to trust as much as I possibly can, trusting Andy, trusting myself, and trusting God most importantly. He'll help me through whatever rocks we encounter. It'll be ok. Promise.

Love to all,
Beffy ♥

Rebirth: Pull Back the Curtains, Let the Light In.

Some huge changes happened today.

And I think I might like it.

I think I might have a hold on Wake Up Sunshine once again. I started writing, really writing. I haven't felt that in sooo long. As a writer, it's purely magic to feel that pencil hit the paper and begin to form words. There's an electric current that pushes you back a little bit, especially when you look at it later and say "Wow. I wrote that. Oh goodness, I WROTE THAT!" It's an incredible feeling, one you can only feel if you write. To not feel that as you're writing is nothing short of devestataing. You can't go any lower. I've felt that for months, all about since October, as the drama (Does anyone else hate drama, or is it just me?) flew around. I remember telling my friend Preston that it didn't even feel like my book, it was like someone else had written it.

But today I started again. I don't know what's going to become of it or if it's going to make it, all I know is I've got a second chance, and I couldn't be happier about that.

Peace and Love,
Beffy ♥