Blessings and Brothers

No, that's not the Cat in The Hat. Well yeah it is but it's someone else. Yes, that's my brother. Colton isn't really my real brother, I sort of claim him as one though. He's already got 3 wonderful sisters, I couldn't imagine why he'd want another one. But too bad, Colton!

Let me explain this logic.

Ever since I was young, I've always sort of wanted an older brother. Maybe that's because I was...."blessed" with a younger sister. I had my older cousins, Jon and Nate, but they didn't get to come around often. But I still always wanted to hang out with an older brother. I almost actually adopted an older brother, my cousin (not the aforementioned) but it didn't work out. Girls care too much about drama and are really very superficial. Guys....guys are a different story. Especially with Colton. Colton has such a strong heart and is so close with God, which probably is why he is so strong. Many a good talk, a meaningful word, a good laugh has been made with Colton by my side. He's kept me grounded to my own faith and helped me when I've been sad and stressed. As my family is being ripped apart right now, it's good to have someone to talk to. Yes, I have Andy. I love Andy. But Andy's got stresses of his own right now, my stresses aren't necessary. Not that Colton's my dumping tray, ok...maybe he is, and not that he's not stressed right now as well, but it's a different feeling. It's a family feel, hence "brother." Today, Colton prayed with me. I was a very upset, very confused girl. Still kind of am. But through it, I kept hearing the word "corazon" in his prayer. Corazon is the spanish word for heart. I couldn't take much more from that, and it frusturated me. I felt flustered and like a failure....

But then I got to thinking about what else I could remember from the experience. I remember feeling colder all of the sudden, like shivering cold. Yes, it's Ohio. Yes, it's cold outside. But I had already been cold and this was COLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDD. I felt so sorrowful and so vulnerable, and yet...so beautiful in this sorrow. Never before have I felt that beautiful. I never feel beautiful in fact. Thank years of critism, self hatred, failure, and lots more for that. But I remember feeling like I could break in half and yet so strong, so called to be something, that I was really confused. I felt pure. It was so...weird. Afterwords, I could feel bittersweet joy. I felt like I wanted to laugh and cry and laugh and cry again. I felt impowered, and yet so powerless....I was a mess of contradictions and I felt so human. I didn't feel different, I just felt normal. And yet not normal...if that makes sense. The point I feel is that it didn't make sense right now. But it will. And I have a feeling that if my brother was there for the clue, my brother will be standing by my side at the realization.

Colton,
Thank you for everything today. Sorry if I was irritable or confused, I get it now. I understand. It wasn't the words I should listen to, it was the feeling. It was everything felt in here *points to heart* that God wanted me to take from it. I'm glad to claim you as my brother and glad that God put you in my life. Had he not, I wouldn't be here and that would be really bad. I can't wait to start our project on this list of 10 and I have a feeling it's going to be amazing. I know it's going to be a distraction as far as the home life and a blessing in the experience itself. A lot of good memories are going to come out of this. Thank you for being there for me. Know you've got a sister and friend in me should you need anything. I love you!
God Bless,
Bethany.

Undelivered Mail

Thanks Mrs. Killen!!!!

We read this poem called Undelivered Mail (you'll have to look the poem up) about a half hour ago and she had us write our own. I like the way mine sounded, so I decided to post it. Here goes:

Dear Mom,
Have I ever mentioned
that I hate myself
and it's all your fault?

Dear Andy,
I still think you saved me
I've never doubted you
not once, ever

Dear Colton,
Thank you for everything and for what you still continue to do
You're incredible

Dear Victoria,
I love you
and your beautiful laugh
Pickles, and God bless

Dear Brew,
Keep holding on
Stay strong
I'm here

Dear Donald,
I never accused you of anything
You were the one who hurt me
Want proof? I'm the one who's still crying

Dear Bethany,
Pack your bags and a good lunch
Lace your boots
It's time to start your life

The Downsides of Dating a Nerd

Disclaimer: I do love him. I really do. However, no person is perfect. Neither am I. I'm just here to warn other people who are falling for that nerd to know what you're getting into.

There are many good sides to dating a nerd, such as chem help whenever you need it. To this day, I have never seen a football player, golfer, basketball player, swimmer, or whatever sport jock person effectively explain chemistry to where I can understand it. Andy can. He can also fully understand the whole "knight in shining armor" thing to the fullest, and occasionally posses and know how to use armor and weapons and show them off. Let's see a misunderstood troubled boy actually carry and put on chain mail. However, there is also a downside. That's what I have understood in the past few days, and like any other techy writer person, I have learned a lesson and have to blog about it now.

1.) Dungeons & Dragons, and other nerdly hobbies
Some play sports, some make music, but if you date a nerd, he will more than likely play Dungeons and Dragons, a role playing game in which you defeat imaginary monsters. And yes, this requires time with friends. But it's not a two hour practice or a four hour game, no no. This can go on from 5 pm to 4 am. More than likely this will take place at another nerd friend of his's (is that a word? oh well. You get it) house. In a basement. Where cell phone reception doesn't exist. Ever. So if you really need him, forget it. And not only does he spend a lot of time (Note: It may be every other weekend you go, and that may not be a lot of time for you. But the time you spend making your character and preparing for it counts.) there doing it, he will also talk about it. A LOT. With hour long explanations of the game's mechanics and how everything fits into one another. And yes, it's very complicated. Yes, you will find yourself stop listening and just saying "mhmm" when it feels appropriate. And yes, he really will care that much. It's ok. You do have hobbies you talk about too. Just be forewarned, all who enter the dungeon deal with this dragon.

2.) AP, Two letters of the alphabet that sometimes shouldn't be put together.
If you do indeed decide to date a nerd, you must understand that he will take advanced placement classes. These are college level courses that do require a lot of work in the class and at home. Be forewarned, the homework load is devastating, and there will be nights when you can't celebrate your anniversary because two forever long papers are due and he needs his mom to proofread them after he takes his ACT. And sometimes, study sessions are randomly held at lunch, and you're stuck with nobody to talk to. And no book to read. And ESPN on the TV. And a piece of crap cafeteria lunch and this feeling like life kinda sucks. So make sure you have a friend on hand (THANKS SO MUCH SUZANNA) just in case this happens. Because it will. And due to the excessive homework load, he will complain about it, so much so he could have done it, but he would like to tell you what happened in a play by play, and why certain subject teachers haven't taught it right and how they should teach it. So yes, they are tough classes that are APplauded. But sometimes, nerds want to take four, and decide to only semi enjoy one. Yes, yes, I know. You'll survive, but it does get rather irritating.

3.) They WILL be the new Jeeves
Because they're taking these hard and challenging classes, your significant other will be deemed as "smart". This factor increases if glasses are added. Therefore, if everyone has a question on the homework the teacher won't answer, there's one person who can answer it for them. And no, they cannot google it because that requires work. Yeah, you guessed it. So whether you're on a date, eating dinner, trying to tell them something really romantic and important, remember the phone can ring at any time. This can also apply to Dungeons & Dragons, home, or school. Or sometimes it's your own mother. It's awkward, annoying, and frusturation will build until you want to take the phone yourself, but they'll answer your calls too. Don't worry.

4.) They do not understand the complaining process
While explained earlier that a nerd tends to complain a lot, they do not understand the process of complaining. Since you are not taking these advanced classes, you cannot help your poor nerd with their poor problems. So you just keep your mouth shut. However, when you try to explain something, for example, the kid who called you some not nice things in Spanish or the girl who will not stop copying your notes and drinking from your water bottle in Chemistry, it cannot be explained to them that you do not want the opinion that you're antagonistic towards people. You simply want to whine. They will understand after a "look" and a "please do not make me mad right now" that all you want is a hug, shoulder, and an ear. NOT a mouth.

5.) No matter how much you want them to, that kid in Spanish gets away with it
I know he's bugging you, but he'll always get his way. Nerds aren't one for confrontation, so even if the kid's taken your phone, searching your messages, and the tumor in your finger (go with it) is throbbing and you feel like crying, the most you can hope for is a "just give it back, dude."

6.) Realizing how much you love them even when you're really, really mad.
Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, it's irritating, yeah you hate it. But I've lived through these a thousand times and shall do it again. I can't think of any other stereotype I'd rather date than a nerd. Andy is the love of my life, and I'm sure he could make a list of the Setbacks of Dating a Writer Weirdo chick. But we're in this together, and we tolerate eachother. Sometimes, we have to vent a little, but at the end of the day we fall asleep as the happiest people ever, because we have eachother. And that's the way it should stay. Please, nobody take this as an "I HATE MY BOYFRIEND" message, it was a simple lighthearted way of not fighting. It was a vent. I still love Andy more than anybody could ever know.

I heart my nerd!

Oh, Kevin. Kevin, Kevin, Kevin...

Oh, Kevin. You make me so mad.

Yeah, I know what you as a reader are thinking. "Wow, that lasted long," and let me tell you: it DID. No sarcasm.

As a writer, the hardest thing you can do is leave a character that you love. These become people, real, live people to you, and failing, that hurts not only you, but them. I'm not a scitzophrenic. However that's spelled... It's true! It HURTS, I've cried more over Wake Up Sunshine more than I have over Andy, and finally I thought that was done for a while. But no. Stupid Kevin woke me up, begging me to write something. And I did.

And it felt. So. Good.

But now I'm scared. Stacy came right after Kevin, and Mikki, Brian, and Linda are sure to follow. What happens if I get attached again? What if I fail?

But what if I don't?

Sometimes, we say we hate signs from God, only because we secretly love them. That's what I'm feeling now. I don't want to hurt again, but I may have to. And that's ok. Because I think I'm ready to start up again, maybe. This could just be another heartbreak, but I'm willing to take my chances. It may hurt that I've failed, but what will hurt worse will be not trying.

I would like to say this inspiration was probably from Mrs. Killen's writing class and Senor Phelps' Spanish class. So thanks guys.

I mean it.

Remember to Never Forget...

I never thought my life would come to this.

Writing hasn't just stopped momentarally, or gone through a tunnel vision, it's gone. I can't write anymore. Nothing.

And I don't care.

Back when I started dating Andy, it was hard to write a novel and focus on him. As the relationship progressed, it got harder and harder. I realized that I couldn't hold both. I could write about love and create this awesome story for millions to read, or I could live one. I loved writing, it was my passion, my key to life. It let me dream and cook up wonderful scenarios. When all was wrong, I could go to an alternate universe and deal with someone else's problems for a little while. It was easier that way. Writing was me. I was a writer.

But did I want that, or the joy of love personified?

As I realized what was happening, it's like someone had told me that we weren't having roast beef tonight. Who cared? I didn't. It was a simple question, with a simple answer. Let one go. So I did.

And I don't regret my desicion at all. Being a writer let me dream, and Andy is the dream. I'm loving living, and I'm glad he's in my life. There will be plenty of times that I can try to write. But for now, I'm content just to be with Andy. It's time for a long break, a time to start my own chapter in life, a time to let go and be me, not write for a little-no, long time.

I'll keep you posted.

Make New Friends and Keep the Old...

My friends. Truly incredible people. I don't know where I would be without them. And latley, they've been there for me in ways I couldn't possibly imagine. So, here's to them. All of my friends.
Colton- Ahhh...Colton. Colton is not only a friend, he's a brother in Christ. He's always there for a good conversation, like when I called him bawling last night. He stayed up an extra long time just to pray for me, console me, and make sure I was ok. I truly couldn't thank him enough for that. And yet, he's one of the funnest people you'll ever meet. Many an awesome memory has been made with Colton by my side.
Suzanna- One of my best friends since age 2. Literally. Suzanna is one of the biggest dorks, so much fun. But she has her own opinion and doesn't conform. She's a sister in Christ, and someone to talk to about anything and everything. She's always going to find something to laugh with you about. I love this girl, I really do!

James- James is awesome. I love this kid! He's shown me how a true friend can really treat you. While we have yet to meet in person, we will one day. He's an angel in disguise, I'm sure of it.
Victoria- A new friend I've made this year, but one I'll keep for life. Victoria is my "older sister." She has so much knowledge, and wisdom, and love for everyone. Victoria tries to start the day with a smile, and usually succeeds. She's there for a hug and to be silly, but she really loves to dig deep and find out everything about a person. She looks to connect. That is a quality I have always admired about her and always will.

Merissa- Ahhh, my midgit. I love this girly! What fun we've had over the years, and how many people have thought we were sisters? Just because we are gingers!

Andy- My wonderful boyfriend. The man I love deeply and unconditionally, the one who will be there with me thick, thin, normal, sad, happy, weird, you get the picture. He's an incredible person with a wonderful attitude. He gives himself 1100 percent at everything. He's my role model. He's so much fun, and yet I can talk to him about absolutley everything. Love you!

Rosie and Abby- Ahhh! My silliest friends. So dorky and fun to be around. Many acro trips have been MADE by Rosie and Abby, my wonderful friends! Love you! Nothing but fun is the way these girls and I hang out, and we like it that way. Smiles and laughter are what brings us together, which explains why we're so close :)

Preston- Preston isn't like a brother to me, he's more of a...son. ;) But he's the greatest person to have fun with but the most wonderful to get a discussion of depth and meaning if you really need it. He understands so much, and yet wants to understand more. I really have so much to learn from him. I really do.

Chloe- Ah, my Chloe. Starting as friends in French class and going to such deep stuff and fun stuff, Chloe is amazing. She's a rocker, who loves music and wants to know those who make the beautiful music. And she's a talent show winner! Whether you're laughing so hard you're crying or you're crying so hard you're crying, you're always having an awesome time with Chloe. By the way Chloe, THE FLOOR IS LAVA!

Randi- Randi's my go-to girl. Everything I could possibly need she's there. Whether I'm mad at Andy or mad at someone or heard the funniest story that isn't really funny, she listens and knows the right stuff to say. Who else could have a slap fight in the middle of a book talk or scare the crap out of the awkward kid in english class while yelling in Shakespearean? And if there's ever a problem, my Randi will wait with the ice cream and Disney flicks to heal it all :)

LAURA- Laura....Laura's very...Laura-ish. Laura loves cows, and shows them. And she's hilarious. Many a quote has been made through her wise words. Laura is good for hugs and for laughs and for making friends with my cousin's dog and bringing him to dances. I'm really upset that I didn't add her in before, because I LOVE her and she shouldn't be left out! Laura, here's to not talking in pig-latin :)

SIDELINES- My sidelines friends! I don't talk to you guys very often, but when I do it's a great treat. I love hearing how all of my HN friends are :) You guys have helped me through some tough stuff, and now I still see you as awesome people. You all rock!

IMPACT- All of my siblings in Christ. I've grown up with most of you, and it's been a tremendous honor. The connection we share goes beyond friendship, it's family. Abby, Allie, Nathan, Keegan, those are just a few. And Donald, if you somehow read this. I do thank you. Even though you don't come to church anymore, I owe you a lot. You showed me what love isn't, and where and how to find it and let it grow. I may not have ended up with Andy had it not been for you, and I appreciate that a lot.

To all my wonderful friends, this for you. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you all by my side. I LOVE YOU ALL! AND I'M SO THANKFUL TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE!

Beffy ♥

What a Day....

Exhaustion sucks.

I was up late last night, for reasons I'm not going to get into. That would have to turn this thing into two blogs. But in turn, that made me sooo tired getting up for school this morning. I learned how weird being exhausted can be. This is what I did all day.

1.) I fired a chair.
Yes you heard me. In our band room, there are many chairs obviously. With a concert band of 70 people, lots of chairs are neccessary. I ran into one accidently. Being cranky as I was, I looked at it and said "You. You are worthless as a chair. You're fired from this section." And I made the chair go to the saxophone section as I found a replacement.

2.) I fell asleep in gym class.
Yes, yes. I found out how exactly to do that. While the guys weighed in today and tested their body fat, the girls had to wait. So, I curled up on the floor and took a small nap.

3.) I gave a paint design a funeral.
When I walked into my english class today, somebody had taken fabric paint and drawn a cute little snowflake on it. My friend Randi started to scrape it. I told her not to. She did anyway. I made her come over to the trashcan and give the little snowflake a proper funeral with me.

4.) I convinced myself our school had a goat.
I did. I really did.

I need a nap....