Blessings and Brothers

No, that's not the Cat in The Hat. Well yeah it is but it's someone else. Yes, that's my brother. Colton isn't really my real brother, I sort of claim him as one though. He's already got 3 wonderful sisters, I couldn't imagine why he'd want another one. But too bad, Colton!

Let me explain this logic.

Ever since I was young, I've always sort of wanted an older brother. Maybe that's because I was...."blessed" with a younger sister. I had my older cousins, Jon and Nate, but they didn't get to come around often. But I still always wanted to hang out with an older brother. I almost actually adopted an older brother, my cousin (not the aforementioned) but it didn't work out. Girls care too much about drama and are really very superficial. Guys....guys are a different story. Especially with Colton. Colton has such a strong heart and is so close with God, which probably is why he is so strong. Many a good talk, a meaningful word, a good laugh has been made with Colton by my side. He's kept me grounded to my own faith and helped me when I've been sad and stressed. As my family is being ripped apart right now, it's good to have someone to talk to. Yes, I have Andy. I love Andy. But Andy's got stresses of his own right now, my stresses aren't necessary. Not that Colton's my dumping tray, ok...maybe he is, and not that he's not stressed right now as well, but it's a different feeling. It's a family feel, hence "brother." Today, Colton prayed with me. I was a very upset, very confused girl. Still kind of am. But through it, I kept hearing the word "corazon" in his prayer. Corazon is the spanish word for heart. I couldn't take much more from that, and it frusturated me. I felt flustered and like a failure....

But then I got to thinking about what else I could remember from the experience. I remember feeling colder all of the sudden, like shivering cold. Yes, it's Ohio. Yes, it's cold outside. But I had already been cold and this was COLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDD. I felt so sorrowful and so vulnerable, and yet...so beautiful in this sorrow. Never before have I felt that beautiful. I never feel beautiful in fact. Thank years of critism, self hatred, failure, and lots more for that. But I remember feeling like I could break in half and yet so strong, so called to be something, that I was really confused. I felt pure. It was so...weird. Afterwords, I could feel bittersweet joy. I felt like I wanted to laugh and cry and laugh and cry again. I felt impowered, and yet so powerless....I was a mess of contradictions and I felt so human. I didn't feel different, I just felt normal. And yet not normal...if that makes sense. The point I feel is that it didn't make sense right now. But it will. And I have a feeling that if my brother was there for the clue, my brother will be standing by my side at the realization.

Colton,
Thank you for everything today. Sorry if I was irritable or confused, I get it now. I understand. It wasn't the words I should listen to, it was the feeling. It was everything felt in here *points to heart* that God wanted me to take from it. I'm glad to claim you as my brother and glad that God put you in my life. Had he not, I wouldn't be here and that would be really bad. I can't wait to start our project on this list of 10 and I have a feeling it's going to be amazing. I know it's going to be a distraction as far as the home life and a blessing in the experience itself. A lot of good memories are going to come out of this. Thank you for being there for me. Know you've got a sister and friend in me should you need anything. I love you!
God Bless,
Bethany.

Undelivered Mail

Thanks Mrs. Killen!!!!

We read this poem called Undelivered Mail (you'll have to look the poem up) about a half hour ago and she had us write our own. I like the way mine sounded, so I decided to post it. Here goes:

Dear Mom,
Have I ever mentioned
that I hate myself
and it's all your fault?

Dear Andy,
I still think you saved me
I've never doubted you
not once, ever

Dear Colton,
Thank you for everything and for what you still continue to do
You're incredible

Dear Victoria,
I love you
and your beautiful laugh
Pickles, and God bless

Dear Brew,
Keep holding on
Stay strong
I'm here

Dear Donald,
I never accused you of anything
You were the one who hurt me
Want proof? I'm the one who's still crying

Dear Bethany,
Pack your bags and a good lunch
Lace your boots
It's time to start your life